• NABDad@lemmy.worldEnglish
    4·
    1 day ago

    What you don’t realize is the holy spirit was spying on them, recorded the conversation, and sold it to the local tabloid.

  • Mulligrubs@lemmy.worldEnglish
    723·
    3 days ago

    Official explanation: The Holy Spirit narrated to the author. This can be quite removed, some books were written many years after the event, some were passed down.

    A few centuries later, the Council of Nicea went through all of these texts and decided, “This is real, we can tell, we’re putting this in the Bible. That… that other stuff is fake, yuck! Gross. Heresy.”

    They also resolved a pressing issue for the new church. “Priests, please stop cutting your balls off, that is a metaphor, not literal instruction. Even though He said that they were literal instructions, that was also a metaphor.”

    “Oh, just one more thing… you can’t get married. No, He didn’t say that, but we’re inspired by the Magic Bird, so mote it be.”

    You probably think I’m joking… but sadly, no.

    p.s. the church pays no taxes womp womp

    • tomi000@lemmy.world
      10·
      3 days ago

      Official explanation: The Holy Spirit narrated to the author.

      You mean the four authors who all wrote the same story but slightly different?

      Holy spirit talking to people must have been common back then. Strange how it just stopped.

      • Mulligrubs@lemmy.worldEnglish
        1·
        2 days ago

        Oh, it hasn’t stopped, friend.

        Go to any Assembly of God church on Sunday; they are inspired my the Holy Spirit, and speak in tongues! Holy Spirit talks to all who will listen.

        The Bible teaches that when you accept Christ, the Magic Bird infuses you with superior wisdom and intellect. This is why you can be sure that your thoughts are legitimate and righteous.

      • Mulligrubs@lemmy.worldEnglish
        1·
        2 days ago

        No, that’s death penalty!

        Oh, wait, it says “man”, can’t lay with a “man”, not boy. Hmm. Best to ask for forgiveness just to cover your ass.

        It’s certainly okay to murder a boy if he has been disrespectful or disobedient. (Please note that this is not my personal view, this is Biblical, I didn’t write it please don’t call ICE on me).

        18 If someone has a stubborn and rebellious son who does not obey his father and mother and will not listen to them when they discipline him, 19 his father and mother shall take hold of him and bring him to the elders at the gate of his town. 20 They shall say to the elders, “This son of ours is stubborn and rebellious. He will not obey us. He is a glutton and a drunkard.” 21 Then all the men of his town are to stone him to death. You must purge the evil from among you. All Israel will hear of it and be afraid. ~Deuteronomy 21:18-21

        Beatings are also fine from a Bible perspective, but not too much… but don’t spare the rod (Proverbs 13:24)! Read your Bible for further details (I recommend King James 1611).

    • VindictiveJudge@lemmy.worldEnglish
      2·
      3 days ago

      “Oh, just one more thing… you can’t get married. No, He didn’t say that, but we’re inspired by the Magic Bird, so mote it be.”

      Didn’t that one come later because certain members of the clergy were having kids and functionally turning their positions into hereditary fiefdoms?

      • Mulligrubs@lemmy.worldEnglish
        2·
        2 days ago

        This great synod absolutely forbids a bishop, presbyter, deacon or any of the clergy to keep a woman who has been brought in to live with him, with the exception of course of his mother or sister or aunt, or of any person who is above suspicion.

        This is what i was referring to, but it may have been a later council? It’s canon from what I’ve read, but not specifically about marriage, but “keeping a woman”.

        https://www.papalencyclicals.net/councils/ecum01.htm

  • magnolia_mayhem@lemmy.world
    8·
    2 days ago

    Just the fact that he needed to talk to him is a problem enough. I was raised with the understanding that they were the same person.

  • ekZepp@lemmy.worldEnglish
    1·
    1 day ago

    The note-guy name was Bob. But he was quite shy so you won’t find many notes about him in the old text.

  • MinnesotaGoddam@lemmy.worldEnglish
    4·
    2 days ago

    Wait no I changed mine it’s when they put Jesus in a hole, then put a giant wheel of cheese in front of the hole.

    The reason Jesus ain’t come back is he needs our help to eat all that cheese and get out of the hole

    [now that I think about it I might be able to start a cult around cheese. I told my wife no more cults, but I didn’t promise. Plus, cheese. Maybe she wants to join this one]

  • agent_nycto@lemmy.world
    21·
    1 day ago

    I hate it when I go and do something and then tell someone about it and they are like “no one else was there so it didn’t happen”.

    I’m not saying Jesus is real or anything but like, he coulda just don’t stuff and went back to his boyfriends and been like “hey wild shit I prayed and good was like what up”

  • ceenote@lemmy.world
    131·
    3 days ago

    The part where Moses writes down his own death and funeral is also pretty trippy.

    I also like how John keeps saying “BTW Jesus totally liked me more than the other disciples. Beloved, even.”

  • weps@lemmy.world
    15·
    3 days ago

    new testament is obviously bullshit

    the old testament has some really great stories but it’s unfortunate the Jews rewrote all the stories to fit their narrative

    still not a bad book

    7/10

    • SourDragon@lemmy.world
      3·
      2 days ago

      The first few books of the old testament are just bad fanfiction based off the Epic of Gilgamesh

      The book of Job is about Adonaiyahwehjehovahbob bragging about torturing an innocent man.

      And I’m sure a lot of the other old testament books (both protestant and catholic) are just as problematic.